To Whom It May Concern,

Hey you! Yeah, you in the plaid watching Hulu on your iPad 6, take the Beats By Dre out of your dumb face and listen to me.

You, you are a millennial.

And you are ruining this country.

Whatever integrity this country had was lost because of you. It’s your fault.

I’m so glad I got that off my chest. It needed to be said, because you’re all losers. This country has become a gutter and our heads are piling up the sewage drains. We might as well vote for a socialist to lead this country. Oh right, you guys are backing Bernie Sanders.

You’re so lazy with your stupid technology. Are you kidding me? Back in my day, if we wanted to learn something, we would have to wait four and a half hours at a library to check out a book on painting — that we didn’t even want! Now, you use the Internet and boom, in two seconds you have the answer to whatever your Angry Bird-filled heart desires. Some say it’s convenient, but convenience is for cowards.

No one knows how to talk anymore. You have apps to talk to men and women and senators. When I was your age, we used to have face-to-face conversations, for years. One time, my buddy Tom and I talked about the weather for 14 hours straight. It was beautiful. Now everyone is texting and sending each other Animorphs because they can’t express their feelings. You wouldn’t know a feeling if it poked your latte on Instagram.

You sensitive little brats. Get over yourselves. Stop putting every one of your problems in your precious little hashtags. The world isn’t going to cater to your problems. Every thing someone says has to be reported to the principal. Guess what guys? No one cares. Keep it to yourself. When I was your age, if we got a question wrong, the teacher would throw rulers at us until we stopped crying and then we had to kiss her feet while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. So I don’t want to hear that your Tamagotchi died.

What happened to respecting your elders? You keep asking these dumb questions and challenging our authority. If we’re older, we are smarter than you and that’s final. It doesn’t matter if what we think is “old-fashioned” or “not progressive.” We know what we’re talking about because, like I said, we’re older than you.

I’m not saying much, it’s just that you have no work ethic, are incredibly entitled and have no respect for others. Other than that, things are dandy. You guys have been great! I’m glad you took the time to read this. Maybe I’ve saved the day. Maybe I’m the hero this generation needed and you’ll make some dumb documentary on my story. But I’ll decline to answer questions because those are for cowards.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go find that clip about why America isn’t the greatest from “The Newsroom” to post on my Facebook.

With Little Sympathy,

Everyone Older Than You

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu

Published on December 8, 2015 at 9:40 pm