It’s that time of the year again. No, not spring cleaning — also known as the excuse your parents made to take away your Nintendo 64.

It’s NFL mock draft season, the beautiful time of year when talking heads judge a bunch of 20-year-olds on their athletic prowess and guess what the rest of their lives will be like.

Since I’m 20 and I can’t even fold clothes properly, I’m not going to do that. Instead I’m going to give you the mock draft you’ve all been craving. What if these pundits judged superheroes, and projected their draft stock? Well, I’m glad you didn’t ask.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Superman

He can leap over tall buildings in a single bound, he’s more powerful than a locomotive and when he once took an actual bullet to the eye, it bounced off him. He’s a professional on and off the field — just look at his suit and glasses. The only problem is that Patriots’ Bill Belichick’s sweatshirt is made of kryptonite. Remember how good Andrew Luck was being touted when he came out? This is Andrew Luck with a red cape. A red cape, guys.

Tennessee Titans: Batman
He’s not the man the Titans wanted, but he’s the guy they deserve. His toughness is unquestioned, as he once repaired his broken back with pull-ups and a homeless man. He’s the world’s greatest detective, so you know his instincts are off the charts. The only question I have about Batman is the mileage. He already has a litany of injuries and scar tissue from his crime-fighting history. Can he handle a full 16 game schedule? Furthermore, where did he get all this money? He drives a Lamborghini and a Batmobile. Will he be the subject of an NCAA investigation in three years?

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Incredible Hulk
As the best offensive lineman in this draft, the Incredible Hulk is going to give you strength you’ve never seen before. His potential is off the charts, the best pound-for-pound talent in the draft without question. But I have too many concerns to take him at No. 1. His temper is an issue. Can he keep his cool off the field? If not, your team will be paying millions to repair your city from his outbursts. And it’s all about consistency. Can you rely on Bruce Banner to turn into the Hulk every single week? Do we even know who the Hulk is? One week it’s Edward Norton, the next it’s Mark Ruffalo.

New York Jets: Captain America
The Jets have had quarterback issues dating back to the time they thought Joe Namath was good, so why not take the top quarterback talent in this year’s draft? You can’t get any more intangibles than from the captain of the United States. You know the fans will love him — he’s a walking example of American spirit on par with “Rocky IV.” He has all the tools you could want, but that’s what scares me. He went from scrawny Steve Rogers to super athletic freak almost instantly. I’m not here to speculate, but if he gets suspended for performance enhancing drugs, you heard it here first.

New York Giants: Spider-Man
The Giants have had struggles in the secondary recently. Shutdown cornerbacks come around once in a decade, maybe, and when you find one, you have to hold onto him. His catch radius is infinite, because — you know — he shoots webs from wrists. My question is whether or not he’s ready for the big time. He’s still in high school, which makes him a little bit of a project. We’ve also never seen him out of that suit. Is he still the same Spidey without the costume? This is something I would watch three movies starring Tobey Maguire about.

So there’s the 2015 mini mock draft. If your favorite superhero didn’t make the cut, maybe he should stay in school another year.

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. His favorite superhero is Odell Beckham, Jr. His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on April 8, 2015 at 8:05 pm