Part 2 of 3: Every year, the Syracuse community gathers in the Carrier Dome to celebrate cancer survivors, honor loved ones lost to the disease and fight back to end cancer. Part Two of this series explores the ways in which SU honors, mourns and remembers the fallen.

Typically, one mourns alone. Behind closed doors and under covers, you can hide the raw grief that demands release. The tears that escape honor your grandmother, your great aunt, your father, your loveable Rottweiler, your best friend.

One night of the year in the Carrier Dome, members of the Syracuse community grieve together. They openly share their vulnerability in a ceremony of remembrance for their lost loved ones. No closed doors or covers are needed.

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Katie Hoole loves what she sees during Relay For Life. The energy is boundless, students goof around with their friends, people play games and sing and clap and dance.

But for one hour after sundown, the sophomore policy studies major watches more than 2,000 people fall silent in communal remembrance. At 10:15 p.m., the word ‘hope’ lights up one end of the dome.

‘I think while you’re at Relay, you can sometimes forget why we’re there,’ said Hoole, chair of Relay’s Luminaria Committee, ‘because it’s just so much fun, and there’s so many students and activities.’

The Luminaria Ceremony is usually described as the most memorable part of Relay. After dark, the Syracuse community honors people who have survived cancer or loved ones lost to the disease. Lining the Dome are glow sticks placed in individual bags filled with sand. Each one bears the name of a person who has battled cancer.

As the Dome lights turn off and the bags begin to glow, participants walk a lap in silence. They think of the loved ones who left them too soon.

‘I think a lot of times when you grieve in front of other people, it can be seen as maybe awkward — if other people aren’t feeling the same way as you or you don’t want to make them feel bad,’ Hoole said. ‘But during this one hour, everyone is either appreciating the fact that they haven’t been touched and thinking of all their loved ones wherever they are, or they are remembering those who lost their lives to cancer.’

During the lap, once people arrive at their luminaria, they sit down next to it as friends and family gather around them. Sorority sisters and fraternity brothers spot one another and join together in support. By the end of the hour, Hoole said she enjoys seeing the huge clumps of people who speckle the Dome.

‘For those people who have not been directly affected by cancer and are able to see that, that’s important,’ Hoole said. ‘And for those who are outwardly expressing their emotions, it’s also nice to see other students around who are going through the same things as you.’

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During Sarah Butensky’s silent lap last year, she came across what she considered a rare scene. A group of fraternity brothers were huddled in a group, all of them crying.

‘It caught me off guard,’ said Butensky, a junior anthropology major. ‘It made me feel more connected to them. Not to stereotype, but we don’t picture frat guys crying. And to see them hugging each other and crying, it makes me feel comfortable myself to let it out and just cry.”

Butensky bought a luminaria this year for her great aunt and grandfather who died from cancer. She will also honor two family members and a close family friend who have battled cancer and are currently in remission.

‘It’s been over 10 years now, but it’s one of those things where it’s nice to have a day where you really remember them and you honor them,’ Butensky said. ‘It gives you an emotional connection back to them to say, ‘I remember you and I still love you, even though you’ve been gone for so long.”

It might be emotional, she said, but seeing everyone else and their luminarias around the Dome, watching the names of loved ones affected by cancer projected on a big screen, is overwhelming in a good way. You see that you’re not the only one grieving, she said.

Hoole can identify. At school, students want to be put together, able to work and focus on their studies. And that can make it difficult for those dealing with death to allow themselves to grieve.

‘When you’re away from home and you’re with a new group of friends, even ones you’ve only known for three or four years, it’s hard to let yourself be emotional and show that side,’ Hoole said. ‘But it’s important to because you can’t accept it without that process. So it’s important to cry and to let yourself be vulnerable.’

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Thomas Wolfe knows how to die. The senior vice president and dean of student affairs has counseled SU students and faculty members dealing with cancer, some of whom eventually died. As they work through the reality of their illness, by embracing death, Wolfe said he saw each one of them as teachers.

‘Each one of them, in some way or another, has imparted to me how to die and taught me a lot about how to live,’ he said. ‘And for that, I will always be grateful. How a person dies is oftentimes for me how they have lived.’

In past years, SU has lost faculty members and some students to cancer. It’s painful for students and colleagues to watch them in their last few months, Wolfe said.

‘I have seen classes of students just transformed by the power of how someone has embraced life to the point where they can also receive their death with great grace and courage and strength,’ he said. ‘And especially if you teach, there’s that part of you that teaches right to the end.’

In his counseling experience, Wolfe said those affected by cancer — either themselves or those dealing with the death of a loved one — might grieve differently because the disease can last many months, even years.

The time allows people to resolve issues and ideally come to peace with their lives, Wolfe said. Those who anticipate death can finish their business, say their goodbyes and rely on friends, family or faith to carry them to the end, he said.

‘When you get to that place, it brings out in you and in others this opportunity to really go in a very deep place in that relationship,’ he said. ‘Sometimes the dying process strips away all of the pretenses and things, and people communicate at a much deeper level. It’s a very intimate moment.’

Wolfe will attend Relay on Saturday evening to address participants with words of support and recognition of the community’s efforts against cancer. He plans to dedicate the night to his father John, an SU alumnus, who died from cancer 12 years ago.

‘I take it as a time to remember with them, because everybody’s got somebody on their mind,’ Wolfe said. ‘When they light up the Dome for the Luminaria, it’s just a rich and very moving experience. I’m so honored to be among that community of people because they do it with such dignity and such respect for life.’

By the end of the Luminaria Ceremony, the word ‘cure’ lights up the opposite end of the Dome. The participants know their work against the disease is not yet done.

blbump@syr.edu

Published on April 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm